The Power of NO

“We repeat what we don’t repair”

I think I have finally grasped the concept of this quote to its fullest form. My life has been a culmination of many wants and desires with my own typically at the end of the line. There are many reasons rooted in my Italian themed childhood that could be the derivative of my choices. I was taught to be good. To be of service. To be considerate. To do things for the benefit of others. To self sacrifice.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a beautiful childhood and the lessons I needed to learn were taught. Our family was gold dipped in morals and judgement. There are many things that led to my rebellious nature with my God given personality at the forefront. This caused me many troubles, although it also served as a barrier from those who sought to do real harm. I was busy. Loud. Fast. Mouthy. Opinionated. and driven with ambition for my dreams. I didn’t fit. I was different. Not the same. I rarely sat still. I went my own way no matter how difficult. Usually, it was the steepest, rocky, unpaved path the I chose. My mind raced. Ideas were frequent and creativity flowed openly like an artisan spring. I had to figure out how to use my powers for good. Whatever they may be. It took honing, failure, pain, and so much damn struggle to figure it out. I still waffle between being content and being complacent deciphering where the balance lies in my life.

I’ve learned to sit still as its really embarrassing to be in a 300 person hall fidgeting so loud, everyone stares. There are tools that have helped like meditation, horses, and choosing tactile teaching environments. I’ve learned that when you put others first, you teach them you are second. and I just don’t really like that anymore. It doesn’t suit me, therefore I’ve made adjustments that many people are not pleased with. Although, what others think of me is none of my business. I’ve learned to finish what I start and do not fill my plate with things I don’t eat. Like meat. I don’t eat meat. I haven’t eaten meat in 29 years. and that means ALL meat-chicken, beef, pork, fish, broth, casin, gelatine, etc so why would I ever put meat on my plate? So, why would I ever commit to something I don’t do or don’t WANT to do? Because it requires a NO. and until lately, that elusive, scary, and rigged NO required so much more. But it doesn’t. It’s Simple. Brass tacks simple. If you let it be. Quiet out all the noise and obligations and excuses and just listen to your insides. NO. I don’t want to. So now I don’t. No amount of talking, begging, questioning, threatening, whining, or bribing will change the NO. It’s a boundary and it just feels so much better to say NO when I want to say NO instead of YES when I mean NO. No more incongruency for me. I’ve learned there’s a time and place to be loud and fast. Save that energy for when its needed as there aren’t many reserves for loud and fast nowadays. I’m still driven and ambition does heavily influence my daily activities. I’ve learned you can be good without being a doormat. With the power of NO and healthy boundaries, I am learning to navigate the world of self first. Hang on, let me put my oxygen mask on FIRST and then I can help you. I can still be of service, just on my own terms and my own timeline. I decide when to pour from my cup, instead of someone demanding it when there is only a drop left….whelp…. NOW, when I pour, I have more than enough to share. So often, I used to give out the last drop then wonder why I was so damn thirsty….

There are many people and circumstances that have led to these changes in the past couple years. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, these people and circumstances are always the same. They tend to hunt me down and seek me out as though I have a huge neon blinking sign on my forehead screaming “EMPATH”. They have continually presented themselves in my life over the years and have sucked every last, glorious drop out of me until I’m devastated. I was left empty, resentful, sad, feeling used, and wondering “why this keeps happening to ME”? Well, because I had yet to learn what I now know. Givers MUST have limits because takers have NONE. My path of co-dependency rooted deep in my childhood continued to rear its ugly, nasty head until I friggin repaired myself. Or at least began to recognise and change my course. It started to show up heavily in my work. People would steal from me. Tiny stackers to big, expensive rings right in front of my face. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t notice what was “happening to me”. It was ME. I wasn’t valuing myself and my work enough to pay attention to what others were doing. And it all begins with that simple two letter word, NO. Sometimes the lessons are simple and sometimes they are more complex, requiring deep thought to determine the best course. Doing things different means removing auto-pilot and reprogramming your automatic responses away from people pleasing mode. I will say oftentimes, I am sweating, fidgeting, and cramping while I say NO to someone. Especially when they continue to push for their own way regardless of what I say. Each NO gives me more security and boldness for the next one. Most of the time, one NO isn’t acceptable (especially from takers) So you need to get good at repetition and knowing that NO matter what that person says, the answer is still NO. I no longer do things for others at the detriment of myself. Nor do I spend time in inequitable relationships that leaving me feeling drained or laced with negativity. These are all things I can give a gentle NO by saying it with my body language and if necessary, my voice.

I’ve learned that the ability to say NO lies in the confidence of your own self worth. With a strong sense of self worth, one can say NO to anything that is not suiting regardless of the reason. You are no longer tied to the outcome of an event. When you no longer rely on the approval of others, you have gained a freedom that allows for precision. To know you will be ok NO MATTER WHAT! And for whatever reason-because you’re a badass. Because you value yourself more than the outcome of said situation. I’ve spent the last year seeking to understand what self worth looks like, where it comes from, and how its felt in the body. My intuition has always been very strong and hyper sensitive to energy. I just haven’t always listened. I’m learning to trust myself over anyone and anything. People will say all kinds of things but what they do is what matters. Oftentimes people’s asses can’t catch up with their mouth and time will reveal this deception, allowing for generous doses of NO. I’m learning to cull the mouth movers early on as they usually have some red flags and boundary pushing traits. So instead of rescuing and people pleasing, I am fulfilling myself to my greatest self worth potential. I am gaining that feel good sensation in doing things for myself instead of trying to control others opinions. It allows for an easier NO when necessary. I always want to have my own back. So, if I lead from my gut and trust myself holy, I gain a smidgeon of self worth each and every time I act on that trust. These small acts accumulate, and rather quickly, to create a more clear path to self sufficiency. Do whatever it takes. Lead by your gut. find people that honour that and encourage you. Leave those who take behind, you will feel lighter. Have your OWN BACK FIRST. Love yourself because at the end of the day, that really is ALL YOU HAVE. Treat yourself with honour and respect. and don’t just say it , act it.

That way, others can only do the same.